I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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