OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
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Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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