I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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