a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
