I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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