Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
