I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
