I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
