I wish I could punch you in the face.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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