He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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