I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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