and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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