Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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