There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
