it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
