i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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