Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
