its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
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So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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