Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
