Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
