Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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