i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
