I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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