Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
