does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
be right there i have to get my cape
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
