Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
