Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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