I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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