i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
