I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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