I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
