I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
