I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
