Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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