I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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