Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
