It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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