drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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