i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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