Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
