Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
