She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
