worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
