I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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