Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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