he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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