Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
