Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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