Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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