I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
