If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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