you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
