i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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