her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
