Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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