I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm too high and old for this...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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