if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
