The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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