I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
